Movie Review: Inglourious Basterds

Wow! What can I say about Inglourious Basterds? Well, it was one of the best comedies I've seen in a long time, for one. Really. It may be a dark, dark comedy, but its definitely a comedy. I and my fellow movie-goers were laughing uncontrollably during numerous parts of this movie. It was truly awesome.

Quentin Tarantino has now redeemed himself after the abomination of a movie he called Grindhouse. I was still reeling from having to sit through that snooze-fest when I saw Inglourious Basterds, but this movie was just the cure. It was funny, ultra-violent (as any Tarantino movie is), and actually had a pretty darn good plot! I was engaged in the story, and there were several scenes where the tension was palpable. The movie really has you wondering if the heroes will succeed in their secret plot, if the Nazis will find the hidden jews, etc. And the fact Quentin Tarantino is directing makes the mystery that much better, because he's so crazy practically any outcome to the story is feasable.

The plot of Inglourious Basterds follows an elite team of American Jews who parachute into Nazi occupied France with the mission to kill as many Nazis as possible. I don't need to warn you that you are going to see some serious violence go down in this movie. You already know that. But that doesn't bother you. That's why you want to see the movie, isn't it? You won't be dissappointed. The movie is also filled with so many classic film references, there's no way you'll catch them all. Hell, even the title is a throwback to a 1978 Nazi exploitation film by almost the same name.

Once the heroes get down to whacking some krauts, bigger and better targets present themselves, leading to a finale that is truly epic by any definition of the word. It was soooooo fullfilling. Hell, you'll practically need a smoke after watching the finale of this movie.

I'm sure there will be all sorts of reviews psycho-analyzing this movie. A Reverse-holocaust with the Jews killing the Germans, Tarantino parodying the blood-lust of own his audiences with the wholesale slaughter of German audiences sekking to fullfill their own bloodlust, etc. Don't pay any attention to it all. Just view this movie for the awesome spectacle it is. It's good, wholesome, fun violence. Besides, what better target for the murderous rampage of a Tarantino film than the Nazis? Everybody hates Nazis.

SCORING: I give Inglourious Basterds 4 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: District 9

I have to admit, I was extremely concerned going into District 9 that I was going to be pummeled with heavy-handed political commentary. I'm a big fan of sci-fi, and District 9 looked like the best sci-fi flick to come along in quite some time. So naturally, the whole 'aliens in concentration camps' angle concerned me, since nothing would ruin it faster for me than another lecture from Hollywood on the evils of Guantanamo or some crap like that. Lucky for me, there was no preachiness to be had in District 9. Just good old alien shoot-em-up!

Now, don't get me wrong. District 9 is clearly a re-telling of the apartheid history of South Africa. I mean, it even takes place in Johannesburg. But the politics really take a back-seat to the personal story of the characters and the sweet action scenes in this movie. At no time did I feel I was being lectured or condescended to. It was just an interesting, action filled sci-fi movie. And a good one at that!

The story follows Wikus, a mid-level bureaucrat at MNU, the quasi-government corporation tasked with the keeping of the aliens, or prawns, as they're derogatorily referred to. Wikus gets a promotion (because his wife is married to the head of the bureau) and quickly finds himself tasked with removing and relocating the prawns to a new settlement out in the wilderness. Needless to say, things go... poorly for Wikus.

District 9 is one of those movies that is almost like two movies spliced together. The first half of the movie does a lot of building up the tension between the humans and prawns, as well as displaying the conundrum Wikus finds himself thrown into, trying to please his bosses and placate and the prawns at the same time. The second half of the movie is a massive sci-fi action shooter, with secret labs, giant robots and lightning guns that make people explode into itty-bitty chunks. Damn I love that lightning gun...

Anyway, District 9 was really different from anything I've seen in a while, but it was really well done. The aliens, sci-fi guns and special effects blend in really well, and the action is very satisfying. I would describe this movie as Alien Nation meets Blackhawk Down. I know, sounds weird... but it is weird... in a good way. I recommend it.

SCORING: I give District 9 3.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Up

The people at Pixar are freaking geniuses. I recently saw their newest film, Up, and I think it's the best one they've done to date.

In Up, Pixar tells the story of Carl Fredricksen, an old, retired, bitter man who lives alone in his home. Carl has always dreamed of adventure and going to Paradise Falls, Venezuela. One day when life becomes too much to handle, Carl decides to up and go fulfill his dream as well as fulfill a few promises he's made along the way in his life. I won't give away too much story, but of course his journey is set back by several unique antagonists.

Like most Pixar films, Up's primary strength is its very strong story. It's original, it's interesting and it's pretty moving. Be prepared for some very sad parts in Up. However, the humor is extremely well done as well, and the movie had me swinging back and forth from sadness to laughter on several occasions. It has a kind of weird bi-polar feel to it, but it's good. The characters are very unusual, but that works brilliantly as well. From the obese "Wilderness Explorer" kid to talking dogs to gerriatric sword fights, nothing is routine in this movie.

The animation in Up is top-notch, as we've come to expect from Pixar. Up is very colorful and looks good. I was concerned since I saw it in 3D, and I didn't know what to expect since I hadn't seen a 3D movie since Nightmare On Elm Street 2. Let's just say they've mastered the technology since then. I don't think it's necesarry to see Up in 3D to fully enjoy it, but it can't hurt. The 3D worked very well and complimented the film nicely. I would expect to see a lot more 3D in the near future.

Go see Up. Twice. It's got something for everyone and you will not leave disappointed.

SCORING: I give Up 5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

I really like the Terminator franchise. It's full of cool looking evil robots, time travel, car chases, gun play, and sweet, sweet action. That's why it pains me so much to give Terminator Salvation a poor review.

The fourth installment of the Terminator franchise takes a new approach to the classic Terminator storyline, this time taking us into the future to battle the machines post-judgment day. There is a lot of possibility to this approach, and indeed we do get to see all sorts of new cool types of terminators, from killer motorcycles to really pissed-off fish robots. Unfortunately, that and some cool explosions are about all we get from this movie. The plot was really jumbled, pointless and just... well.. bad. Even by the standards of terminator movies, which don't exactly pride themselves on epic plot structure.

There are all sorts of plot devices and mysteries thrown in throughout the movie, from John Connor noticing things are occurring differently from how his mother told him they would, to the romantic relationship between Marcus and Blair, to even the title of the movie itself. What do they all mean? Well, not much really. The movie plays out randomly, and culminates with an ending that really builds on little of what was presented in the two preceding hours. It really feels like one well scripted action scene after another, stitched together by meaningless, drawn-out hokey dialogue.

I was really left scratching my head about this one until I read THIS story about how the original script was very, VERY different. Apparently John Connor is barely seen at all in the original story, remaining a mystery voice of rebellion and support on the radio. The story was really focused on the Marcus character, who only plays a secondary role in the screen version. Unfortunatly, Christian Bale wanted to play John Connor, and they pretty much rewrote the entire film during the filming process to find reasons to have John Connor, a character who wasn't really even supposed to be in the movie, regularly appear and do things throughout the movie. This explains why many of the scenes in the final movie really have no purpose.

The original script also led up to a huge, crazy twist ending. I'm not sure if it would have worked brilliantly, or would have left fans fuming, but it certainly would have made for a more interesting movie, and it would have explained a lot of the useless elements that still remain in the current version.

Terminator Salvation had some good action scenes and cool killer robots. Unfortunately, that was about it. I would rate it as an "okay" movie, but nothing really more.

SCORING: I give Terminator Salvation 2.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Star Trek

Action! Action! Action! If you love action, you will loooove the new Star Trek! Lucky for me, I love action! And I loved the new Star Trek movie as well.

The new J.J. Abrams Star Trek movie is a prequel to all the existing movies, showing the development of several old Trek characters. You get to see where they came from, how they ended up in Starfleet; all that kind of stuff. The characters we're all used to are played very well, and despite having a completely new cast, you can actually see the old characters' personalities in the way the new actors portray them. It really sells the "this is how that character developed" story and keeps it feeling old school.

Getting back to my review of the story, it really holds the viewer's attention. This movie hits you with nonstop exciting action without feeling all jumbled and confused like Quantum of Solace did. There is also a lot of good comedy and humor in the movie, and references to the old campy style of Star Trek, somehow without being cheesy. (Yes, the red-shirts die and Kirk sleeps with green women.) The special effects are awesome, and I believe have vastly improved on how they have been handled in every Star Trek movie and series to date. When ships jump to warp, it's violent and loud, like a lightning strike. Tearing through the fabric of space should feel like that rather than the slow bendy-stretching we've seen in the past. Phasers have a loud, tactile smack and seem to cause real damage when they strike an object, as opposed to the damage-free heating effect we've previously seen. They finally seem like real weapons now, which is good.

I liked this movie from beginning to end. I can only come up with two gripes. First is that product placement sucks no matter what movie it's in. Apparently people in the twenty-third century still use Nokia cell phones, listen to the Beastie Boys and drink Budweiser. Second is that the story suffers from a little too much deus ex machina, but I suppose that is common to all Star Trek movies and shows.

I think this is the best Star Trek movie to date. Yes, even better than the Wrath of Khan. Go see it. You won't be disappointed.

SCORING: I give Star Trek 4 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Taken

Taken is the story of an ex-CIA agent who has left his career as super-spy to move closer to his ex-wife and try to reconnect with his teenage daughter. She gets kidnapped and he roams Europe torturing and killing bad guys to rescue her. No sub-plots, no hidden messages... that's it. Search and destroy in its purest sense.

Needless to say, I liked it. I'm always up for some good old fashioned violence. I was somewhat surprised however that the film is rated PG-13, seeing as the plot revolves around sex slavery/trafficking, and almost every scene involves graphic torture or killing. Not that I'm complaining, but it surprised me. Yay!

There's not really a whole lot for me to say about this movie, since it was so straightforward. If you're an action buff, you'll enjoy it thoroughly. There's no shortage of car chases, kung-fu fighting and bad guys getting shot by the dozens. Liam Neeson does a really good job at playing the role of cold-blooded protagonist, and the movie held my attention throughout its entire run.

I suppose the only complaint I have about the movie is that there is no really memorable villain. There are plenty of villains, and even a sort of "head" villain, but he's not very memorable or super-evil, and you only see him a very short time. No epic boss battle here. Mary also thought it was a little too predictable, as she was expecting some more mystery/thriller vibe out of it. Otherwise though, it was a great film and I would recommend it.

SCORING: I give Taken 3.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Gran Torino

How sad is it that the toughest guy in Hollywood is a 78 year old man? If you had any doubt that Clint Eastwood is The Man, then Gran Torino will immediately erase any such foolish doubts from your mind.

Gran Torino tells the story of an aging man who has passed his time and is forced to cope with a rapidly changing world. He can't relate to his greedy, uncaring family, an overzealous pastor, and a neighborhood that has transformed from old Americana and into a crime-ridden ghetto.

While he attempts to isolate himself and live out his final days in peace, he finds he is unable to as the world repeatedly intrudes on his life. Eventually, he is forced to confront his own racist and old-fashioned beliefs as he becomes more and more involved in the well-being of an immigrant family living next door.

Normally I'm not into these "self-discovery" types of films, but Gran Torino really sucked me into the characters and storyline. By the end of the story, you really feel connected with all of the main characters. It's very moving, and very relevant to the modern and changing face of America, where we have millions of baby boomers moving into retirement as a new and different generation of immigrant Americans is rising to power. The scenario is quite believable, and I imagine similar situations could actually be occuring across the country.

Go see this movie. It's very, very good, and you will not be dissapointed. Not to mention, this may very well be the last time you get to see Clint Eastwood action on the big screen.

SCORING: I give Gran Torino 4.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: The Day The Earth Stood Still

Keanu Reeves must be stopped. No, not Keanu Reeves' character in The Day The Earth Stood Still. Keanu Reeves. The Actor. Someone must stop him from trying to act. Immediately.

What can I say about The Day The Earth Stood Still? It's not very good. And when one inevitably compares it to its 1951 predecessor, it becomes even more clear that the 2008 version is really a steaming pile of a movie.

The problems with The Day The Earth Stood Still run beyond Neo's inability to act out emotions beyond the emotional range of a toaster. They involve a weakly written storyline that waters down and distracts from the the original 1951 story, the addition of a really annoying tag-along kid (don't annoying kids make all movies better?), and the inclusion of heavy handed environmentalist and anti-government messages. I get that the original 1951 version was an anti-war movie, and that's fine. It was done well and prompted people to think about important issues that were taboo at the time. That's avant garde. Global warming is not avant garde. Nothing in this movie is avant garde. It's gauche.

The 2008 version of this film tells the story of a young Al Gore, who comes to this planet from a distant galaxy to fight the evils of global warming before beginning his search for Manbearpig. Apparently the only way to end said global warming is to kill everyone on Earth. He's essentially an evil Captain Planet.

Because the total destruction of all humanity is being done "for the environment," it is a noble pursuit that is only being thwarted by the evil and incompetent US Government. (Before getting offended, please note that the movie takes extra precautions to ensure that it's only the US Government that is evil and incompetent. We are assured all other foreign governments are kind and compassionate.) Enter the single mom with bratty kid, let Keanu and John Cleese do some complex theoretical physics calculations together on a chalkboard (someone kill me!), and bada-bing, bada-boom, you have yourself a movie.

Overall, the first 1/4 of this movie was bearable, building up tension and making itself a decent, if not slow, thriller. Then we meet all of the actors, get into the story, and the movie fails. For having a little early tension and a couple of decent special effects, it's earned itself a couple of Smiths, but that doesn't mean I would recommend anyone actually subject themselves to it.

SCORING: I give The Day The Earth Stood Still 2 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Quantum of Solace

Daniel Craig is back as the British super-spy, James Bond. And just like in Casino Royale, he does a great job of playing the part in Quantum of Solace. I wasn't sure what to expect with this movie, since most reviews were all over the place on whether it was good or not. After watching it and thinking for a bit, I've come to the conclusion it was pretty good. Is it excellent? No. Could it be better? Yes. Could it have been a lot worse? Definitely.

Comparing Quantum of Solace to its predecessor is inevitable. James Bond movies had become a parody of themselves, and were on the verge of franchise death when they were completely re-imagined and presented in a new light by Casino Royale. How does Quantum shape up? Well, it's not as good as Casino Royale. It suffers from some plot and cinematography issues that Casino Royale didn't, but it's still far and away better than the James Bond crap that Hollywood has been shoveling at us for well over a decade.

Let's start with the good stuff. Quantum of Solace is chock full of wholesome violence. From the opening seconds of the movie to the final roll of the credits, people, cars and buildings are being shot, smashed and burned beyond recognition. There's some awesome gun play as well as a good car chase to keep your attention. While it's a short movie, it doesn't waste any time. There is something exciting going on for every second of this movie.

However, therein lies one of the movie's greatest flaws. It's hectic. Really, really hectic. 8 year old child with ADD snorting 30 pixie-sticks kind of hectic. This movie doesn't stop to take a breath or check out the views for even a moment. And why would it? It's too damn busy leaping from machine gun battles to airplane crashes to jet boat jumps to knife tortures to sporadic ninja attacks. Okay, maybe no ninjas, but that would kick ass. Get ready to be confused. There really is no time to think during this movie, and I found myself on several occasions wondering, "Wait, why the hell is he flying there? What does this have to do with the last scene?" The plot isn't necesarrily bad, it's just that you will have absolutely no time to absorb it.

The action scenes (which are really all of the scenes in the movie) left me a little dissapointed as well. Don't get me wrong, they're good. However, they decided to go with the Bourne Identity "lets strap a camcorder in some guy's armpit" cinematography. You can't really tell who's hitting who or what the hell's going on. I get it. It's supposed to simulate the violence and confusion of an actual fight. But I don't care. I paid $12 to see a damn movie, I want to be able to, you know, actually see what's happening.

Other than the complex and frenzied nature of the plot and cinematography, I really have nothing to complain about with Quantum of Solace. It was a good spy movie with lots of action and violence. I appove whole-heartedly.

SCORING: I give Quantum of Solace 3.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Eagle Eye

Let's not mince words. Eagle Eye is a crap movie. It's not well written, it's not well edited, and it's not well acted. HOWEVER, all that being said, a whole lot of crap gets smashed and blown up during the movie, so it's not boring.

There's nothing new or groundbreaking about Eagle Eye. It's a conglomeration of plot devices that have been used time and time again in other, better movies, and while they work here, they're not particularly well done. Imagine if you took the part of Die Hard 3 where the terrorist is sending John McLaine around on errand after errand by cell phone, and update it with a little dash of the part from the Matrix where Neo is being told what to do by Morpheus over the cell phone, and stretched it into a full movie. Bam! You have Eagle Eye.

The storyline was a little too much to bear as well. The mystery antagonists don't just control cameras and phones, they control EVERYTHING. To the point where they can turn on the cruise control of your car and steer you around town. Or to the point where they can cause a power line in the fields of Indiana to snap at a specific point and fly over at you, hitting you in the middle of said field, frying you alive. I get the whole suspension of disbelief thing, but really, Narnia was more believable than this crap.

I won't give away the ending, but let's just say that it ends up being one of the traditional movie bogeymen, and I was disappointed in that as well. Finally, the message of the movie (we are all so dependent upon electronic devices and an electronic lifestyle) was really overplayed and heavy handed, showing up in almost every line of dialogue and every scene. When the experienced cop lectured his young lackey on the benefits of how they used to put things on paper instead of PDAs... well... you get the point.

The only redeeming part of Eagle Eye that saved it from total suckage was the action. This movie is almost nonstop action. There are some sweet car chases, and lots of vehicles get smashed up pretty good. For that reason, I have to admit that Eagle Eye kept me entertained throughout its whole duration. You're not going to take away any meaningful messages, you're not going to see a masterpiece of editing and filmaking, but damnit, you're going to see people explode and burn. That was pretty cool, so I had to bump the score accordingly.


SCORING: I give Eagle Eye 2.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Tropic Thunder

Ah comedy, how I've missed you. It didn't really occur to me until about half way through Tropic Thunder that I was laughing my ass off, and that I hadn't done that in a movie since... what... the 1980's?

This movie is hilarious. Now keep in mind that it's a hilarious movie about war, so you're going to have to be a little screwed up in the head to properly enjoy it. Lucky for me, I'm a lot screwed up in the head! Tropic Thunder pulls off a good mix of comedy and violence, a pair that is long overdue for a good match-up. This comedic violence takes many forms, from exploding directors to knife wielding Vietnamese children being hurled off of exploding bridges. But the target of the mockery and ridicule remains the same throughout the film: Hollywood.

Yes, from beginning to end, Tropic Thunder is one long nasty swipe at the people that have brought us such crap as Lions for Lambs and Redacted. Hey Hollywood, want a marketing tip? I won't pay a dime to see Brian DePalma portray me and my countrymen as inbred corrupt megalomaniacs, but I'll pay damn good money to see a coke-crazed Jack Black tear a Vietnamese soldier in half. The attacks on every aspect of Hollywood culture are unrelenting, and they're side-splitting funny.

Something that really caught me off guard about this movie was the production value and star power it wields. The special effects are really good, looking like a much larger budget movie would. And in addition to the main stars, there were a lot of big name cameos throughout the movie as well. Of course, the central stars ham it up like they do in most of their movies, with Robert Downey Jr. really stealing the show with his shtick as the dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. The only character that didn't work for me was Tom Cruise as the evil producer. He was just... strange, and... creepy. I guess that's ordinary for Tom Cruise though, so nothing new there.

All in all, Tropic Thunder was funny as hell and refreshing to watch. I was also pleasantly surprised that the main actors were so funny and didn't overdo their parts as they have done in so many previous movies (I know I can't be the only one sick of Jack Black and Ben Stiller). I hardly noticed my seething dislike for them all all during this movie. This is a great war movie, a great comedy, is chock full of wholesome violence, and I reccomend you go see it next time you're at the theater.

SCORING: I give Tropic Thunder 3.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Star Wars - The Clone Wars

I've said it before, I will say it again. CGI is not some magic wand the studio can wave to make their lack of animation talent and their sucktacular writing simply vanish and be replaced with quality film. Doesn't work that way. Can you hear me out there, George Lucas?

I have to admit, I didn't really go into Star Wars: The Clone Wars with a whole lot of high expectations. In fact, my expectations were quite low. And the movie still failed to even meet those pathetically low expectations. Oh well, I should be used to it by now after suffering through the edited re-releases of Episodes IV through VI, and the premieres of Episodes I through III. But I digress. I suppose I should give you an actual review of the movie, even though that just expands the amount of time I've wasted on it.

The Clone Wars follows the story of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and some orange chick as they try to rescue Jabba the Hutt's larvae. Really. Although there were a lot of blaster and lightsaber battles, the story just wasn't there. The characters were annoying too. Anakin complains the whole time, and the orange chick has some kind of teeny-bopper attitude going on. I half expected her to whip out a Nokia and start texting Anakin. OMG UR 2 KoOl with UR LiteSaber!!11! LOL k G2G!

The animation was heavily stylized, but wasn't very pretty or inspiring. It also certainly didn't break any technology barriers or wow me like Pixar movies always do. The characters weren't animated very much at all, and their faces seemed like rubber masks that stretched to make them talk and emote. Even characters with beards just had their beards painted on, and they stretched like skin. It's was kind of creepy. It's almost like this is the CGI equivalent of the old Speed Racer cartoons, where they moved the characters as little as possible to save on animation costs.

If you're a huge Star Wars fan, you'll probably find the movie entertaining enough. For anyone else though, it's a rental at best. I would classify The Clone Wars as a pretty good Saturday Morning Cartoon or a standard direct to DVD release. It's just not movie theater material.

SCORING: I give The Clone Wars 2 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: The Dark Knight

Everything burns. And after this weekend, the makers of The Dark Knight are going to have ridiculously large piles of money to burn... for fun... while eating money... and wearing hats made out of money.

Batman mania is upon us. After waiting in a line that stretched around the building and spending more than enough quality time with the costumed persons waiting in line next to me, I experienced the latest offering in the Batman saga: The Dark Knight.

I can't remember the last time the blockbuster movie of the year actually turned out to be something other than a cinematic turd, but in this case The Dark Knight is amazingly good. It was worth the wait, worth the $70 it costs to go to the movies these days, and worth having to spend an hour in line with cosplay fanboys (and frighteningly ugly cosplay fangirls.)

This time around, our hero is fighting the twisted and sadistic Joker, played by the recently exhumed and re-animated corpse of Heath Ledger. The Joker is one messed up dude. Really messed up. More than two cups of prescription drugs messed up. He represents anarchy and chaos in the movie, and is basically a vicious dog unleashed on society. Heath Ledger plays the part phenomenally well, and the Joker really steals the show. It's disturbing to find yourself laughing along with the Joker even as he rams pencils though people's eyes and cuts them up. He's easily the best played character in years, and Heath Ledger will win the best supporting actor, hands down.

The Dark Knight's story revolves around a theme of order vs. chaos, with the Joker introducing anarchy in an attempt to twist Gotham's paradigm of fairness, Harvey Dent, into the maniacal Two-Face. Because Batman is bound by the rules of an orderly society, he is unable to defeat the Joker. Ultimately, he must decide if he is willing to break those rules to preserve justice.

This movie takes a slow burn. It really takes it's time getting to the point, with several interacting sub-plots. At first, I wasn't sure if I liked it, but once it got into full gear, it was all good to go. Be warned however that it clocks in just over two-and-a-half hours, so you have to be prepared for some storyline in between your kung-fu fixes. Oh, and go to the bathroom first.

Overall, The Dark Knight is a gritty piece of film noir that would make a great crime drama even if Batman wasn't in it at all. I think that's what really makes the movie a sucess. It's good on its own, without relying on the Batman franchise as a crutch, gimmick or fallback. Go see it... a few times.

SCORING: I give The Dark Knight 4 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Hellboy II

What do you get when you combine crap acting, crap writing, $65 million in crap CGI, heavy-handed Tecate product placement, and freaky fish/elf sex? Why, you get the epic sucktacular that is Hellboy II, The Golden Army!!!

I really don't know what to say about Hellboy II. I mean, I like monsters, I like action, I like special FX, but I did not like this movie. It was just bad. Really bad. So bad, I skipped out early from work to see it, and felt cheated afterwards because work would have been more entertaining.

How can I explain this movie to you? Well, start with Men In Black 2, which sucked badly enough on its own, then mix in a few characters from Lord of the Rings, and imagine a movie that is about twice as bad as what you have pictured in your mind right now.

A great deal of Hellboy II is a quasi-Men in Black ripoff, with the characters lounging around the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense. Of course, lots of wacky alien/monster slapstick is constantly occuring in the background, and none of it works. It's forced and corny.

They also tried to make this Hellboy more appealing to a wider audience by cutting down the machismo, and inserting a storyline about Hellboy's relationship and how he's sad that his girlfriend is mad at him. FAIL. The best feature of Hellboy is his macho ass-kicking attitude, but now that they've made him into a weepy emo chick a-la Spiderman 3, he holds no appeal. It also doesn't help that the heavy makeup and rubber face-masks meant the characters showed no emotion in their faces, which is kind of necessary for a storyline about relationships.

All in all, Hellboy II was painfully boring and corny through most of the movie. There were a few chuckles, but no drama, no intense action, and no real story to appreciate. I would recommend it if it came on late-night TV and you had to pick between Hellboy II, and say... Yentl.

SCORING: I give Hellboy II 1 Agent Smith out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: WALL-E

Let's be frank. WALL-E is good. It's damn good. And the more I think about the movie after having watched it, the more I like it.

I went into WALL-E concerned since this was the first Pixar film to be fully produced under the new Disney ownership. And as we all know, the modern Walt Disney Company has a magnificent way of, well, screwing good things up. Thankfully, it appears Pixar can still make a great film, because WALL-E delivers on almost every level.

WALL-E tells the story of a lonely waste disposal robot living alone on a post-apocalyptic planet Earth. Eventually, through a fortuitous turn of events he finds love, adventure, and a greater purpose in life than endlessly cleaning up the shattered remains of humanity's past.


The setting for WALL-E surprised me a little at first, since I don't think I've ever seen an animated children's movie take place in the destroyed ruins of humanity before, but the more I think of it, the more I like it. WALL-E carries some good moral messages in it, which no movies seem to do nowadays, nevertheless children's movies. (Bratz anyone?!) Instead of trying to pander to kids and sell them movie-based toys, WALL-E carries a message that the things we love and own sometimes have a price much larger than what we realize, and when all is said and done, even our most valuable possessions ultimately end up worthless in comparison to what life and the universe around us have to offer.

Visually, WALL-E looks magnificent. Pixar's mastery of the available technology gives us a film with incredible detail that never ceases to amaze. However, we've come to expect that from Pixar, so the real shining aspect of WALL-E is the storytelling. It's refreshing to see such a well written and executed story. Even more amazing is the amount of personality the animators put into WALL-E, considering he has no face, and is actually voiced by a computer generated synthesizer that doesn't even create words. Within the first half-hour of the movie, you actually feel for WALL-E and can identify with him. It's incredible.

My only gripe with WALL-E as a movie would be the lack of a truly good soundtrack. The movie sounded fine, and there was good scoring for the background, but there were no real blockbuster songs or musical numbers like we've come to expect from past Disney and Pixar films. I can't recall any of the songs now off of the top of my head, even though I just saw the movie.

Overall, WALL-E is an excellent movie that I would recommend to kids and adults alike. It's fun, it looks good, and it tells an engaging story with some meaning behind it. Go see it.

SCORING: I give WALL-E 4.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Yes, we've been waiting 19 years for it, and we finally have a sequel to original Indiana Jones trillogy! Yesterday I braved the opening weekend crowds to get a taste of the latest in the Indiana Jones... uh... quadrilogy? Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull! (Or, IJATKOTCS for short)

Yes, IJATKOTCS has action. Yes, IJATKOTCS has adventure. And yes, IJATKOTCS has Indiana Jones! But sadly, that's about all it has that is of value. I think the best way to describe IJATKOTCS is that I came away from this move entertained, but disappointed.

I'm not sure if the expectation factor for this movie was just too high, or if it truly is a poor movie, but I'm leaning towards the latter. There is the usual Indiana Jones plot line here, with Russian Communists replacing the German Nazis, car chases, spooky tombs, and lots of creepy crawly creatures, but the movie just didn't seem well done.

I think the biggest problem with IJATKOTCS is that it was done by George Lucas, who seems to have lost all filmmaking ability sometime in the late 1980's. Much like the new Star Wars movies, IJATKOTCS took what was previously a mainstream, serious action series and created a new movie that is pretty much two hours of over-the-top slapstick comedy seemingly written for children as opposed to an adult audience. The comedy is oppressive, bad, and in-your-face. There were several points where the theater audience audibly groaned at the humor.

The cinematography in IJATKOTCS was also very heavy-handed and cartoonish, often relying on an overuse of CGI. It reminded me of Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow at several points. Finally, IJATKOTCS lacked any suspense since Indy and his friends are basically indestructible super heroes that can smash through walls, be hurled 200 yards through the air to the ground, and plummet off of 20-story cliffs and waterfalls without suffering so much as a scratch. They might as well have slapped a Superman costume on him. There is literally a scene where the good guy befriends the monkeys of the jungle, swings from vine to vine to vine a la George of the Jungle in order to catch up to a speeding vehicle, then swings to the vehicle and has his monkey friends attack the Russians. I am not making this up.

Overall, IJATKOTCS was a poorly put together piece of film that suffers from many of the same faults the new Star Wars films do. It relies too heavily on fake-looking CGI and seems to be a slapstick montage designed for children instead of adults. The mere fact that it's Indiana Jones gives it a great deal of redeeming value in my book, so if it were any other protagonist, I would have rated the movie much lower. But is is an Indiana Jones movie, and Indiana Jones kicks ass, so I rated it a little better than it probably deserved.

SCORING: I give IJATKOTCS 2.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: Iron Man

Decided to check out the new Cine Capri theater in Tempe with a few friends this weekend. It's big, loud, fancy, and a great place to see a kickass movie like Iron Man.

Iron Man was a good flick. He's a superhero who goes around killing terrorists. What else could you ask for? Well, I suppose you could ask for more terrorist killing, but let's not get greedy now. Plot-wise, Iron Man follows the life of Tony Stark, a playboy weapons developer who gets captured and held hostage by terrorists. He then develops the Iron Man technology to free himself from captivity and right the wrongs done by his corporate life of weapons peddling.

The audience is supposed to dislike Tony Stark before his redemption due to his cocky elitist attitude and disregard for the well-being of others, but I have to admit I liked the character from the start. He's a weapons developer, he drives fast cars, he dates hot women, he's witty, and he loves America! Besides, there's something to be said for a superhero who's self-made, as opposed to to one that's accidentally exposed to radiation or God-knows-what. It takes a real man to decide to go out and save the world as opposed to having it tossed into his lap.

One of the best things about this move for me was that for once, in a movie with terrorists, the terrorists are the bad guys. There are some other villains involved as well, but at least I can finally see a movie that doesn't make the U.S. military the villain, or try to morally equate us with the terrorists. About damn time!

The music included some awesome old-school rock, the acting was good, Gwyneth Paltrow was hot, and the CGI was very well done. I imagine it's difficult to render such outlandish technology in a way that makes it at least possible to suspend disbelief.

Overall, I enjoyed Iron Man thoroughly. There were only two issues that held the movie back for me. First was that most of the movie was about how Tony Stark became Iron Man, so it was almost like a prequel to the real movie, which is surely in production already if not soon. Second was the fact that after a good dose of killing terrorists, the plot shifted to Iron Man vs. evil corporate fat cats. It was still a good plot line, but not as engaging for me as the first half of the movie. But if you like good action, good humor, and stuff blowing up, go see Iron Man. You'll have a good time.

SCORING: I give Iron Man 3.5 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.

Movie Review: The Ruins

Saw The Ruins this week, and have to say I was somewhat disappointed. The basic premise is that a group of college-age kids vacationing in Mexico wind up at an ancient Mayan temple where they fall prey to an ancient unspeakable horror. Now, I'm all for ancient unspeakable horrors and it had been some time since I'd seen a good horror movie, so I suppose I built my hopes up a little more than I should have.

While providing a little creepiness and a lot of gore, The Ruins falls short as a good horror movie mainly due to its setting and plot. With the exception of two very brief scenes, the entire movie takes place on top of and around the temple, not inside it. What this means is that all the action takes place in broad daylight, really killing any opportunity for scary ambiance or cinematography. You can always clearly see what's going on and there's no real mystery to what's about to happen in each scene. I realize the storyline is based upon a book, but the story really misses what could have been terrifying had they been fleeing from room to room inside the mysterious temple instead of just camping out and waiting on top of it.

Another reason The Ruins really just didn't work for me was the fact that the aforementioned ancient unspeakable horror was really not so terrifying. They really had me interested and guessing at what this ancient unspeakable horror was, so much that I can't write ancient unspeakable horror without putting it in italics. What I got at the end of the movie however, was just... well... I won't spoil the movie for you, but lets just say that unless you have no legs, are actively bleeding all over, and lie perfectly still right next to the ancient unspeakable horror for some time, it might kill you... if you exercise enough patience, that is.

All in all, The Ruins provided a couple of interesting / creepy moments, and a LOT of gore. If you can't stand people cutting giant hunks of their own flesh off with hunting knives, this isn't the movie for you. It had a lot of potential, but never delved far enough into the spooky temple to make something of itself.

SCORING: I give The Ruins 2 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.